THIS LETTER TO ME

Poetry has been one of those things I've always used to clear my head, and get my feelings out on paper. I have a passion for poetry, and find that i'm able to express myself well when it comes to this type of creative writing.  The following poem I wrote when I had just endured a really hard breakup. I was engaged to this man, and while he was deployed he decided to join an online dating website, met a girl and came home to marry her a day after meeting her in person.  All the while I was still wearing my ring..  thank goodness for pawn shops right?  This poem was my therapy. I wrote down every good trait I could about myself from myself and read it daily to build my confidence back up, my moral as well as my inner strength.  It was my words of affirmation that I was good enough.  Hope you enjoy! 

THIS LETTER TO ME


Your smart, your funny,
Your beautiful inside and out,
You believe in people,
and love them without a doubt,

Your smile is infectious,
Your heart pure and real,
Everyone can see it,
just by how you make them feel,

Your soft brown eyes
are genuine and sincere,
You have a way of comforting
anyone you are near,

Your heart is as big
as all the water on earth,
You believe in people
and let them see their true worth,

You have unselfish motives,
Put everyone before yourself,
You believe in emotions over beauty,
and love over wealth,

Strength is something you posses
from your skin down to your bone,
You have faith in god above,
and know that your never alone,

Life has thrown its troubles
as hard as it could throw,
But never have you backed down,
each trial has helped you grow,

Right now it feels impossible
but I promise the pain will subside,
Just remember all of who you are,
and the qualities you hold inside,

The light will shine for you shortly,
and happiness soon you will see,
and whenever you get discouraged,
Just pick up and read This Letter to Me....

AN ANGEL GETS HIS WINGS

Landon's box made by the nurses at the
hospital. Has picures, his clothes, footprints and
birth information all inside.

August 11, 2011 was one of the most life changing day's I have ever experienced.  There I was sitting on the edge of my husbands bed looking at a stick with two pink lines... Pregnant.  I had been told by doctors that due to my Type 1 diabetes I would not be able to successfuly have babies, it would be risky, tough and I would need a lot of changes to my health before that was even atainable.  Here I was, unprepared, and to be honest scared. I wasn't scared of having a baby, that was something I had always dreamed of, I was scared at the timing, the lack of tight control I was supposed to have on my body in order to get pregnant.  It was in that moment I knew I had to stop working two jobs, sometimes +80 hours a week and start focusing on my diabetes, and this unborn child.  I did just that, and within three months had my A1c down from an 11.2 (yes, for those who know these numbers all too well, this was HORRIBLE) to a 6.2!  I was put on an insulin pump and started this somewhat foreign new life of controlled health and less hours at work.  My husband encouraged me and supported every decision.. we were going to be parents and we couldn't be more excited.

The months to follow were very intense. There were doctors appointments after appointments with the high risk ward.  We got to hear our baby's heartbeat, see him on the screen, yes HIM :) We were having a little boy.  Though all of this should have been the best moments and memories of our life, they were quit opposite.  We had been told there was a problem near the skull. The doctor said it looked like Cystic Hygroma.  The following appointments were what most new parents dread, bad news after bad news. Until one day, after a series of tests we came in to get results, and instead were handed sadness.  Our babies heartbeat was gone, after 5 long months, he was now an angel above. 

I know many woman experience miscarriage, and it's not always talked about, but for me I think it's therapeutic talking about it. I hope that it helps someone else know that it's NOT YOUR FAULT. You are not alone and you as a woman can only control so much.   After 27 long hours of labor, I delivered myy little boy Landon Thomas Chesley. The same day we met him we let him go. He was our angel in diguise in so many ways because he was what allowed me to see how much more control I needed to gain on my own health, not only for myself or my husband, but now for the realization that I could have children. 



Landon's actual footprints from the hospital after I delivered him.
I had them tattoed on the last remaining spot on my sleeve, right
under my arm, closest to my heart.  His birthday is in the arches above
the halo.

November 1, 2011 was a very unique day for me. Not only in numbers was it 11-1-11, but it was signifigant to me that my number one would always be with me. He was now my number one guardian angel. 

It was determined later thru his autopsy report that he never developed kidneys. That happens in 1 in 500,000 woman, and they could not soley define his cause of death due to poor control of diabetes. However I never let that lesson learned slip thru my fingertips.  I took control and remain in great control to this day. 

The following poem I wrote for Landon shortly after I got home and reality set in.  I missed him, I missed the opportunity of holding his hand, touching his cheek and showing him how much I loved him.  I know he isn't on this earth with us, but he is most definetly watching over us.  A year and a half later I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby girl.  I know Landon watches over his sister and will forever continue to do so.  


SWEET DREAMS LITTLE MAN; SLEEP TIGHT


Good evening my angel
How are you tonight?
It’s a beautiful evening,
Not a cloud in sight.

I was just thinking of you
And missing you so much,
Wish you were in my arms
Feeling your mommy’s touch,

I know you are playing with Jesus
And probably even grandpa too,
He is quite a silly old man
I’m sure he already adores you ,

Mommy and Daddy are doing good,
Making the best of every day,
Learning how to move on now
Carrying you with us in our own way

You changed my life you know,
My angel in disguise
What a powerful force you were
For such an itty bitty size

You know your mommy and daddy
We became as close as could be
We opened a new chapter in life
And changes we were about to see

I learned to slow down for once
And gained a new perspective on myself
For once my eyes were open
To the importance of my health

I hope you know how much I tried
Mommy’s body wasn’t very strong,
I hadn’t been prepared for you
And the damage would show before long

I’ll never forget that heartbeat of yours,
So strong and so very steady
I couldn’t wait to see you baby
Be your mom, for that I was ready

But god had other plans it seems
For you were his angel to take
Given to us on borrowed time
It was in his arms you would awake

He gave you to us for so many reasons
I wish I could understand,
Why I’ll never get to kiss your cheek
Or take hold of your little hand

But know there is a place
You will forever be,
Somewhere we can meet often
Just you and me

That’s up in the stars, and past the clouds
Alongside those whose past away,
You keep my spot warm up there sweet one
Until we reunite again one day

It is time to go to sleep now Landon,
I just wanted to say goodnight,
Tell you I love and miss you so much
Sweet dreams little man; sleep tight.